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Vendetta

#1
Here is my part one of my story. Constructive criticism is gladly accepted:

There was a large clang as the mug hit the floor; the floor was covered in coffee, but this was the least of my concerns. Right in the headlines of "Galaxy news" it read "local planet glassed by angry Aergon faction!" The planet was my home, and the home of my family, . Positively fuming with anger, I swore personal vendetta on the faction that had destroyed my home, and killed my family.

As a mercenary there are two currencies: Credits (of any type,) and favors. And though a run of bad luck had kept me quite poor in the former, I was quite rich in the latter, having many contacts many of which owed me for something I had done for them. None of my contacts would be willing to wage war against the most powerful faction in the Eastern Sector, but I knew a few who would. Sighing, I ordered a bot to clean up my spill while I ran through my list of contacts. I spotted one, Lucas Avery, Who I had helped get some external processing cards a few months back. A coward, unfortunately, but he had links to powerful people, probably the only people in Easter Sector who could actually had the power to wage vendetta against the Aergonians, and these people had their own reasons. Pressing a few buttons on my panel, a ladder popped down.

I climbed into my quarters, the only untidy place on this dreadnought, "Resistance." It was filled with models, odds and ends, half-finished projects of weapons, memory cards, broken holocards, and the like. I pressed a button, one of my mental maps moved out of place and a drawer popped open. I pulled out a emptied box that used to contain a broken G15 heavy blaster. In it lay "work materials" such as a debit card with credits used specifically for work, 8,000 credits cash my only spending money I had, credit pouch, and assorted I.Ds and such.

In there also lay more successful projects such as my G9 compact concealed las pistol, my all-purpose obsidian diamond tipped combat knife, and a hard cartridge container with it's cartridges wrapped in a sock to remove the noise. Pushing a button on my quarter's control panel, a coat rack popped up. I grabbed a black hoodie from the rack. I put the credits in the pouch along with the card, and put the pouch in a concealed pocket inside my hoodie; with my gun a did the same. I then put the knife sheath around my leg, and concealed it under my jeans. I entered the elevator in my quarters. "Where would you like to go, sir?" the A.I said with an obnoxious stress on the "sir." "B1, sir" I replied mockingly I was in no mood to joke.

I lived on a large ship with some friends, but in my heart, I always pictured myself as a wing; fighter pilot, "Shadow" was my answer. Shadow is a sleek, custom built by scratch, fighter. I could go on for ages about her. Around twice the size of an old fighter jet, Shadow is quick-responsive in her maneuvering, and next generation in both her software, and hardware.

I climbed in and got a feel for her again. At my touch, the cockpit closed, and Shadow fired up. I ran pre-flight procedures and took-off.
Last edited by starpilotnpc on Wed Mar 13, 2013 2:07 am, edited 6 times in total.
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Re: Vendetta

#2
Finally, I finished. Yeah I know I promised every week, but the week before holiday I was busy and during holiday I was sleeping. I promise now I will return to my promised schedule. now for a few notes about my story: Any weird words are in Chinese Pin-Yin as most of the story occurs in a Chinese space station. Some of the Pin-Yin doesn't make words that make sense (such as 'Fire Happy' when translated) but they are all words. As always constructive criticism is gladly accepted. I better get back to writing, enjoy!

After getting a feel for my ship, I set a course for Guanjing International space station. That's what I love about my ship, when I need to control my ship I can do that, but when I'm tired and need to put my feet up, I can just set a course, and the computer will wake me for any complications. I grabbed a Dr. Pepper from the small freezer under the control unit started looking through my contacts again. When the name Lucas Avery showed up.

      I felt a twang of guilt and I sharply rebuked myself at the mention of the name. In my anger I had said Lucas was a coward, that was unfair, he was careful, slow to anger, and patient, but not a coward. None of my contacts could do more than grant me small favors, but I starred a few for later, for now I have to focus on bigger things. I then took a small nap. 

     The next thing I knew, the computer was waking me for docking sequence. A heavily accented voice appeared over my comma, it was a Chinese docking guard. "I.D please." He said. I scanned my I.D card, believe it or not it was legal. Literally five seconds later he said, "Sorry, for the wait, Mr. Avery is waiting for you actually." "Can you get me a private room under his name," I asked. "Certainly," He replied, "enjoy your stay!" With that I parked my ship, and left my luggage near it. Lucas Avery stood outside the public dock, 

     "I'll have your ship moved to my private docks and make sure your all your stuff makes it to the private penthouse." Lucas spoke warmly. "Lucas, it has been too long." I greeted Lucas. It was hard to describe our relationship. Lucas had started as a trader, and as I was returning from a mission one day, Lucas's ship was under an attack. I turned on my ship's cloak and snuck up behind his enemies and destroyed them before they ever detected me. Later, when Lucas became successful, he repaid the favor and I became sort of like a sworn body guard to him, I would do favors for him, and in return I got favors from him.

      "Today," Lucas said, getting directly to the point, " my competitors plan on assassinating me." Luca said this very calmly. " So you need me to teach them a lesson?" I grinned. "No that's not the way I work, I need you to kill the man who's gonna do it, but I need you to prove it first." He semi-scolded me. He then handed me a small duffle bag, "Your gear, get familiar with it." He said gently. Seizing the opportunity I said, "I don't have the proper license." He smiled, "Then we'll just have to fix that." I opened my credit pouch and Lucas gave a gasp. "That doest look very Next-Generation." He teased. "We'll just have to fix that." I mocked back. He took a card from big credit pouch and inserted it in one end of his phone, then he took all my cards and scanned them into this one card, which he then handed to me, it was a Citizen Card.   "There you go," Lucas said, "I gave you a special and assault weapons license along with your initial concealed weapon license, AND combined all you assorted I.D for this system onto your new V.I.P card." 

     Just then my tablet buzzed. "My room is ready" I told him. "Okay," He replied, "Meet me at the Shuzhou GuangChang at 7 X.M." "Early dinner." I responded. I went to the "Shangxi Bei" crossing and got a street car. I pressed a few buttons on the touchscreen, and the computer-controlled car unfolded itself and joined the main highway. As soon as I had arrived at the Houzhong hotel, I checked in and went up to my room. It was a large room. As soon as it stepped inside the TV presented a message from Lucas Avery, I had it read it out loud for me. 
  
     "Welcome, Asher, to your personal headquarters in this station, it should be equipped with everything you need. Remember, dinner at 7." Then a number appeared on the screen below it it said, 'your network password.' I typed it into my tablet, automatically it downloaded an app named 'Room control'. I opened the interface after its short download. From it I could control everything in the room, from the heating to the position of the walls. I pressed a button, all the sudden the TV folded, the walls rearranged, and the room became a small indoor pool (around 15 meters) and a jacuzzi. I reset it and entered my bedroom. 

     I used the interface to reveal a small armory in my room. I looked at the clock, it was  5:00. I grabbed a G363 assault rifle, and GLOCK 15 heavy pistol. I then put on NATO guard body armor, a satchel strap, a utility belt , and a hip strap. I put a magnetic holster on my hip strap and satchel strap, and a sheath for my obsidian knife in my boot. I placed my G15 in my satchel strap holster, my G9 in my hip strap holster, my gun on the magnetic strip on my back torso plate, and my knife in it's sheath. I grabbed two plasma pulse grenades and two smoke grenades and hung them on my utility belt, along with a few other tools, lastly I grabbed a riot shield just in case things get messy. 

     I didn't put my helmet on until I exited the hotel. As it powered on I remembered training. I had 2 years special defense training in New Dubai by Israeli forces custody of Lucas while he was doing business there. They told me, never, ever wield a rifle in a public place unless absolutely necessary. 

     Dinner was great, Kobe beef rib-eye cut medium rare steak. The messenger was trying to negotiate a alliance between the two companies. I immediately saw the De-oxi sub-sonic  pistol, I just had to wait for him to make the first move. I turned my helmet onto camera mode. I pretended then to let my guard down. I the asked to leave for the bathroom, the guy probably thought I was unprofessional, which is exactly what I wanted him to think. I saw him pull his pistol under the table and aim it. I pretended to walk to the bathroom then I grabbed him from behind and broke his neck. 

     All of the sudden security guards came rushing in. I stated a split second at Lucas and he shook his head. I threw him my shield and he expertly caught it. The security guards look confused then pointed their AK7400s at me. I switch to thermal vision on my helmet and threw down a smoke. My armor had already taken a few hits so I shot the smoke with my G9 to save time. I grabbed Lucas and jumped out the window. 

     In mid-air I threw a grenade towards the window. Quickly, I threw  a second grenade and shot it. It blew up detonating the first grenade, killing two of the 'guards'. I felt my head crack as I hit the ground,Lucas on top of me, We fell a good 20 stories. One of the security guards jumped after us, sadly for him his suit didn't have any shields or shock absorbers. The next 'guard' was smart, he repelled down, I was scared for a second, he had his gun aimed and everything, luckily he slipped on his buddies' head. Before he could re-sight us he had diamond dusted volcanic rock in his left eye. I clambered over and reclaimed my knife."Thanks, I owe you one." Lucas said. "Actually, you owe me two." I managed to get out. 

     Later in his office he said, "I don't like being in debt, what can I do." "Well," I said, "I need men who can help me complete a Vendetta against..." I dropped my voice to a whisper, "the Aergon faction." His smile disappeared "Okay, but I warn you... Never mind. Just take care Asher." "You to Mr. Avery, and... stay safe." I walked out, five minutes later I felt a sharp blow on my injured head, and then nothing. Nothing but darkness and blurry images. 
Last edited by starpilotnpc on Sun Feb 24, 2013 5:22 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Re: Vendetta

#3
I like what you've wrote so far. One big thing that would improve the readability is to put in some paragraph breaks. Otherwise I suggest reading it over once or twice to look for some of the smaller mistakes, e.g. missing/wrong words

Keep writing.
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Re: Vendetta

#4
kabuku6 wrote:I like what you've wrote so far. One big thing that would improve the readability is to put in some paragraph breaks. Otherwise I suggest reading it over once or twice to look for some of the smaller mistakes, e.g. missing/wrong words

Keep writing.
Thanks a lot for your comments. I will take all your suggestions
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Re: Vendetta

#5
Just to clarify, I plan on posting every week or so. Unfortunately, school plus living in China may complicate things. Luckily I have Chinese New Year coming up. It lasts two weeks and I have nothing planned, so lots of writing time. But mainly I'm going to push myself to write once a week.
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Re: Vendetta

#6
I would have to agree with more paragraph breaks. Sometimes you can keep a paragraph running and other times not so much. I'm not too picky about spelling myself to be honest. I'm not proof reading your work, just merely reading it and I was able to read it relatively easily. I wouldn't mind seeing where this story goes from here.
May the Schwartz be with you
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Re: Vendetta

#7
For those reading this I'm going to continue this story on a different topi to keep it organized. Next time I post the story topic I'm going to give myself room for 3 chapters. Anyways check out the next part of my story if you haven't already, critic it, comment on it. I'm well on my in part 3

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