I'm writing a pseudo epic-poem and I wanted to post the first few verses I finished here to get some feedback.

There is a white room. It is all white, in every direction.
There are no visible boundaries or intersections, but I know that the room is rectangular
On one wall there is a block dot
Opposite is a white dot
I cannot see the white dot, but I know that it is there
Slowly the two dots stretch towards each other
Warping time and space as they reach longingly for the other’s destructive embrace
I know that when the dots meet
The world will end

In the center of the room there is a device
It is large and black
It is a sphere
Great spikes protrude from its surface at even intervals
There is a cylinder shape at its top
It is ominous
And it lies directly below where the dots will meet
If the dots are the cause of the end
This device is the means

On either side of the device
Set perhaps fifty meters back
Are two camps
They seem military in nature of their architecture
But their demeanor is casual
Each is populated by several dozen people
They seem congenial
Friendly
There are leisure devices and comfortable furniture

I walk to the camp on my right
And begin to speak with the people there
Words are exchanged
But no thoughts
It is an empty and meaningless conversation
We are not friends
We are not enemies
They are players in a great game
I am only an observer

At some point
It is inevitable
One person from one of the camps rises and slowly approaches the device
They reach it and wait
They stare
They observe
But take no action
Then slowly they reach out an arm
Their finger slowly extends towards one of the spikes
I know now it is a detonator
Their finger touches the spike

In an instant
An indefinable thought of a point in time
The people from both camps jump to action
They charge toward the middle
They surround the device
They tear each other apart with their bare hands
I have not noticed
But the dots have touched



I stand before a blue ocean
A great sea bounded at strange intervals by walls of some manner
It is a plan
A method of developing this virgin world
Which I now realize has just come into being

Before me lies a structure
It is a place of great import but its construction is not yet complete
It is dry
Rising above the water
But it is a part of the water
A temple to its beauty and grandeur
Its potential

I am approached by a familiar figure
A brother of mine
Of a sort I cannot describe
We are intrinsically linked
But I feel no bond or love between us
We are together shepherds of this new world
He speaks to me
Like the people in the camp we share words with no meaning
I can feel the tension mounting
A promise of great conflict approaching

I realize I ordered the creation of the structure
It is what I was made to do
Raising it is my purpose for existing
I am a part of the water
My brother is not
He plays another role
One opposing
He strikes me down
My last vision is the site of the structure crumbling into ruin



I stand on the edge of a canyon
Part of a web of canyons extending deep into the land to the east of me
From a great sea to the west

A queen rules here
She is strong and wise
She has united these people who live here
And together they have prospered
They are a noble people
And proud

With their lands and forces united they have decided to turn their attentions abroad
In these canyons they are constructing a great fleet
An invasion armada
Which will carry them in their thousands across the sea
To explore and conquer the lands on the other side
The fleet is nearly completed
And soon the armies of these people will set across the western sea
I share words with the Queen
Who graces me with her presence

We do not know each other
But we know of each other
I am an honored guest
Though perhaps not a welcome one
Like Poseidon visiting a basilica

I stand atop a plateau
Observing as it prepares to make way
This invasion force
Which does not know what it is meant to invade

Thousands of men scramble down paths on the canyon walls
They board their ships and set off
The Queen asks me to bless this endeavor
I tell her I will accompany her in spirit

There is a great mist lying over the sea
Thick and heavy over the still waters
An obscuring screen that never abates
It has been there since the dawn of time
And the Queen’s galleys sail into it

They drift in the water
Loosen in what formation they had
My body remains standing on the edge of a cliff
But my mind watches their progress

Eventually they reach the shores on the other side
It is within a day
They have crossed this narrow sea
And died on the other side

The Queen and her men never return
Her realm crumbles without her guiding hand
Her great palaces begin the long journey down the road of decay




I stand on a shore
Near a jungle
Growing over a long finger of land
Stretching into the sea

To my north and to my west there is a great plain
Its border is a great cliff
Which looms over a narrow sea
Legends tell of the great realm which once ruled there
But which is great no more
Now split by tribal feuding
And petty wars

To my south the land here stretches into a much larger sea
Reaching into an ocean
It creates a gulf
The life on this peninsula
Is diverse and vibrant
Abundant in both quantity and variety

Somewhere here there stands a temple
And it is to there I must go
Though why
I do not know

I am one of many
Who seek this place
Though we are not all destined to reach it
There is a competitive but friendly spirit between us
For the most part

I trek through many jungles
And climb many hills
And in time I reach the temple

It is green for the moss which grows on its stones
Older than stone itself
That material from which stone was inspired
At the top of its steps there is nothing
A platform
Looking out over a forest and a sea red with the sunset

I gain nothing
Except the conviction that one day I shall return
Before I leave I watch the jungle’s life
Begin to stretch across the ocean to the islands and continents on the other side







I begin my long trek
A capable man on a difficult journey
My task is gargantuan
I will explore the great expanses of all of the dimensions
I will map them and describe them in vivid detail
Then I will hide them
Tuck them quietly away in the ripples of time from which they emerged
Slowly
One by one
Sever their links to the world I now call home
Though I feel my heart may never live there

These land where I know walk are treacherous
Populated by remorseless beings
They have no cruelty
But a great hunger
These lands are beautiful in their terror
A haunted swamp drained of its water
Its denizens left to die in the warm drying winds
To the remnants they tenaciously cling
Bitter at the loss of their homes
And their lives
This is but one string I must sever
One symptom I must cure

I leave only a single link here to my saner new reality
One which others will never believe me exists
And never can




The army lands today
On the beaches of an uncontested island
In the southern sea
The natives who live here are a neutral party
They thrive in the mountains above
But have no concern for the coasts
So strangers now fight for its rights
And bleed their fertility into the sand

The beachhead is taken quickly and brutally
A melee ensues and dampened and worthless muskets are dropped for deadweight

When you say pseudo-epic, do you mean in form, theme, or scope? Free verse isn't really the best suited towards epic, and usually epic has a lot more focus on a protagonist or the deeds of a group, and there are a *lot* of names. If it's scope, I can't tell you much, since that relies on the size and breadth of the complete poem. If you just want poetry critique, I'd say head over to /r/WritingCritiques on reddit and they could probably give you a hand.

Yeah, I... can't really provide good poetry criticism, constructive or otherwise. I've written poetry, but saying it's good or bad is entirely a different matter to me, because I'm not exactly sure what constitutes "good" poetry. This piece of work is impressive, Draglide, but... I don't know what else to say about it other than that it was very imaginative and that I enjoyed it.