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Re: Small Choices - an EVE-Chronicle-esque

#3
Talvieno wrote:Lol, thanks! :)

So... any suggestions on what I could do to up it to a 10/10? :P
It doesn't feel finished. While the ending could be considered a proper finish to a great snippet, the middle of the story would like nothing more then to disagree. I don't know if this is all there is to the snippet, but while it is, I'm only going to give it a 9/10. Unless you expand on the whole corpses in the asteroid thing. Because that would make a great plot-line all on its own. :ghost:
Image The results of logic, of natural progression? Boring! An expected result? Dull! An obvious next step? Pfui! Where is the fun in that? A dream may soothe, but our nightmares make us run!
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Re: Small Choices - an EVE-Chronicle-esque

#5
Talvieno wrote:I'm only scratching the surface. =P It's very far from being done. Consider this the first chapter.
Very well, should your writing hold to the same standard as it has up-till now, of which I have no doubt, then you will be getting a well deserved 10/10. :D
Image The results of logic, of natural progression? Boring! An expected result? Dull! An obvious next step? Pfui! Where is the fun in that? A dream may soothe, but our nightmares make us run!
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Re: Small Choices - an EVE-Chronicle-esque

#11
Talvieno wrote:I'm polishing up the second chapter now. If I'd had any foresight I would've made a decent number of reserved posts. :\ I was intending to, but posted in a bit of a hurry. I don't know... problem. :think:
If you like, I can spin off all the comments into a separate comments thread.
- The Snark Knight

"Look upward, and share the wonders I've seen."
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Re: Comments on "Small Choices - an EVE-Chronicle-esque"

#15
Thanks, Just_Ice - really good idea. :) And Lum - thanks. :P I'm trying to keep it mostly in space, but some parts of the story more or less have to be filled in with the central characters on foot - it's hard to get people to socialize believably if it's all over comms, be they radio, hyperspace, or infrared communication systems. :P Line-of-sight just works better for facial features... plus, then you can have the characters get up and walk around - it makes them feel more animated and adds an extra bit of life to the story that you can't do any other way. For instance (quick throwaway story for demonstration):
Spoiler:      SHOW
"Just make sure you get it done by tomorrow night," Bob said finally.
"I can't," Alice protested simply. "It can't be done."
"Nonsense!" he burst out in exasperation. "You're speaking utter nonsense! You haven't even tried!"
"It's not nonsense, sir..." the girl managed.
"It is nonsense! You're simply afraid to try!" Then Bob added under his breath, "It's all because of those foolish parents of yours. You're too afraid to try after losing them."
"You don't know these people like I do, sir! I spent my life with them!"
"And I spent my life with politics and mathematics," Bob roared in response. "They will listen to reason! My calculations attest to that!"
Alice attempted to steel herself against her fears, her voice pitched higher with dismay. "People aren't just numbers and figures! They're more than that! They have feelings! They have desires, hopes and dreams, fears, and -"
"I've accounted for those!" Bob interrupted coldly. "And I'm telling you now that if you don't have him poisoned before tonight, many, many people are going to die!"
"They won't!" Alice shouted. "I'm not killing anyone, even if its their leader! I promise, everything will be fine even if we don't do anything!"
Bob attempted to calm himself. "The mobs are going to tear this station apart within the month if their leader isn't murdered. Psychohistory predicts it."
"Governor, I'm sorry... but that means psychohistory isn't yet complete." Her voice was like ice.
The mathematician barely constrained the menace in his voice as he muttered, "How about you tell exactly what you mean."
Alice took a deep breath to calm herself. "It's simple, sir... When they think they've overthrown you, they're going to celebrate by taking it even farther and cutting off trade and closing the spaceport. They wouldn't kill you right away - they'd want to mock you first..." She paused momentarily. "When they cut off trade, we won't have any food coming in... they'll abandon their new leader and reinstate you out of desperation to survive. They think they want a rebellion right now, but things will resolve themselves."
Bob was silent for a time. Finally, he whispered, "I'd have to run the calculations..."
"Trust me, Governor," Alice urged pleadingly. "No one has to die. Please," she ended in an urgent whisper, "trust me."
compared to:
Spoiler:      SHOW
"Just make sure you get it done by tomorrow night," Bob said finally, signaling towards the door with his hand as he gestured for her to leave. And with that, he turned from her, sitting back down at his desk and slipping on his antique wireframe glasses as he began to pore over his notes once more.
But Alice didn't leave. "I can't," she protested simply as she folded her arms, her gaze drifting uncomfortably towards the window on her right. "It can't be done."
The governor ground his teeth with a shake of his head as he rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Nonsense!" he burst out. "You're speaking utter nonsense! You haven't even tried!"
Her frown deepened with worry. "It's not nonsense, sir..." the girl managed, her eyes dropping to the floor.
With that, Bob yanked his glasses off a second time and fixed his gaze on the young woman. "It is nonsense! You're simply afraid to try!" Then, with a cruel, piercing glare, he added under his breath, just loud enough for her to hear, "It's all because of those foolish parents of yours. You're too afraid to try after losing them."
Alice's eyes began to sting as she fought back tears, her lips twisting into a frown. "You don't know these people like I do, sir! I spent my life with them!"
"And I spent my life with mathematics," Bob roared in response, pounding his fist on the desk. "They will listen to reason! My calculations attest to that!"
Biting her trembling lip, Alice attempted to steel herself as she stepped forwards, her voice pitched higher with dismay. "People aren't just numbers and figures! They're more than that!" She uncrossed her arms, her hands balling into fists as they fell to her sides. "They have feelings! They have desires, hopes and dreams, fears and -"
"I've accounted for those!" Bob said coldly, slamming his book shut and getting to his feet. "And I'm telling you now that if you don't have him poisoned before tonight, many, many people are going to die!"
"They won't!" Alice shouted, her pretty face twisted with anger as she brushed the silver-blonde locks from her eyes. "I'm not killing anyone, even if it's their leader! I promise, everything will be fine even if we don't do anything!"
Bob was all but shaking with rage. In a fury, he stormed around the desk, knocking over his chair as he did, storming towards his student. Alice backed away, half in fear that he might hurt her, but Bob seemed to see this and stopped short as he attempted to calm himself. "The mobs are going to tear this station apart within the month if their leader isn't murdered. Psychohistory predicts it."
"Governor, I'm sorry... but that means psychohistory isn't yet complete." Her voice was like ice, her eyes boring holes as she stared him down defiantly.
For a moment, the mathematician did indeed look as though he was contemplated striking her, but he managed to keep himself in check, barely constraining the menace in his voice as he muttered, "How about you tell exactly what you mean."
Alice closed her eyes for a moment, thanking the gods that he was going to listen, and then, opening them, took a deep breath to calm herself. "It's simple, sir... When they think they've overthrown you, they're going to celebrate by taking it even farther and cutting off trade and closing the spaceport. They wouldn't kill you right away - they'd want to mock you first..." She paused, turning slightly from the governor and staring out the window. She could hear the riots in the halls - some of the windows in the next arm of the station were even ablaze with flame - but the sight only spurred her resolve. "When they cut off trade, we won't have any food coming in... they'll abandon their new leader and reinstate you out of desperation to survive. They think they want a rebellion right now, but things will resolve themselves."
Bob seemed stunned, staring at the young woman in speechless surprise as he processed what she'd said. He opened his mouth as though to speak, but closed it again, swallowing dryly. Finally, he whispered, "I'd have to run the calculations..."
"Trust me, Governor," Alice urged, turning her blue eyes back to him pleadingly. "No one has to die. Please," she ended in an urgent whisper, a tear rolling down her cheek, "trust me."
(and yes, I'm essentially defending my decision to have some conversations take place off of the ships. :P )


Edit: Starting on the next chapter now.
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